Another thing you should know about me: I have no idea what to do with myself in an "I'm calling the shots, here"-situation. I'm bad at it. Like, in life.
Professionally: ...I mean, this is a thing that I can't even begin to wrap my brain around. And yet, this is precisely where I'm finding myself at the moment.
The deal:
We recall that I've signed a contract, yes? (Yes.) Ok, great. And that this happened liiiiiiike nine months ago, yes? (Yes.) Great. Well, by and large in the time since I've signed, I have maybe gone out once/max of twice a week.
Now.
People will argue that this is better than not going out at all, and you're goddamn right it is. (You are god. Damn. Right. It is.) However, you sign with someone and--as I've mentioned in a previous post--you expect to go out considerably more than that. That expectation is kind of established for you. And, if you've gone out more than that while freelancing...
...I mean, then that's weird, right?
So, I've been scratching my head over this situation for essentially nine months. Meantime, submitting myself for bunches of things (when applicable, of course, I've gotten past just randomly handing my headshot over to auditions just to be seen when they're only looking for "tall, 40 year-old Malaysian females"...), attending workshops, planning for classes, researching headshot photographers, reading, and, generally, just being proactive as HAYell because I don't know any other way to go about things. I don't.
"Proactive"...although a lot of this seems to me like "prep"-stuff, because it feels like not a whole lot is really happening. Yet. (In this business of "Hurry up and wait". But still.)
So, there I was, feeling prepped and proactive when I decided to bounce over to the Midwest for a moment to cuddle with a boy and a dog. Last Wednesday night, said dog was loafing across our shins, we were sharing a diet cherry limeade and watching the Top Chef-finale, and life was feeling pretty dreamy and glorious when we heard:
"Holy balls!!!! Did you hear that _____ has been auditioning for pilot season?"
...
Awesome! Like, multiple pilots?
"Yeah! He's getting sent out like crazy, and he has, like, no experience with that stuff. At all."
(....Hm.) Yeah. I know.
"It's pretty rad. ______ is going out for pilots, too. Same thing. But you knew that, right?"
(!!!!!!!!) No. No, I totally didn't.
"Wait, are you going out for the season? For anything?"
(Hmmmmmmmm....) Not yet, not that I know of, no.
"Huh. ...Alright, well you kids have fun."
So. ...
...Why not? Why not? I've shot a few commercials since I've been here, I shot BORED TO DEATH (!!!!) and I'm SIGNED WITH SOMEONE!!!! I SUDDENLY HAVE NO IDEA WHY THIS IS NOT HAPPENING AND I DON'T GET IT AND WHAT IF MY BEST INTEREST IS NOT, IN FACT, IN MIND, AND HOLY SHITBALLS, IF NOT, WHY NOT?!?!?!
"Baby?"
Yes.
"Why don't you ask your manager?"
Hm?
"Ask your manager why you're not going out more and what you can do."
(Yiiiiiiikes...) I should, right?
"I mean, yes. Definitely."
It took me days to craft this letter. Days. I am awesome at being diplomatic, but I have positively no idea how to assert myself when it comes to asking people to look out for me in this profession.
And I think that's a problem. Honestly. That's a thing that I absolutely need to get better at, because I know I'm going to be doing it all of the time. Always. In this career, that's what you do to push ahead. I get it.
But fuuuuck.
So, I took my time with it, chose words that I believed sounded forward and firm, yet kind, and not remotely desperate. I stated that I wanted to go out more, that I wasn't going out as much as I'd anticipated I would be. I gave him the benefit of the doubt as to why. I asked what we could do to make the situation better--together. I listed what I've done, I listed what I wanted to do.
I was thorough.
...My response was more passive than I would have liked. I got some suggestions, for sure, but they felt...they felt kinda passive.
And as I emailed him more pictures this morning at his request ("Let's try to shake things up by adding some new photos (they don't have to be touched up)."), I wondered if that was enough. If that was gonna be the trick. If there was a trick. If there was something I was missing.
I began to wonder what I would have heard back if I'd written the only thing that I actually wanted to say:
I want you to fight for me. I want to know that you're fighting for me, because you said that you would. I am doing everything that I personally can, but I'm fully aware that I can't do this alone.
At this moment, I feel alone.
So fight.
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