Tuesday, October 13, 2015

A Starving Artist on (Show)Business

Let's have a discussion:

Here you are, in college.  ...  ...You seeing it?  You in your Uggs and sweatpants, feeling weird after a Red Bull & vodka-induced sleep and a breakfast of Diet Coke and peanut butter & jelly?  Your lava lamp-lit dorm room smelling like a fancy potpourri of weed, incense, Lean Cuisines and deep deep regret?  And, aw man, did you just take a Victoria's Secret body spray-shower again?  You did, didn't you?

(Ahhhhhhhhh. Memories.)

So, here you are, in college.  And your one friend aspires to be a math teacher and so, correspondingly, she is taking courses in both education and mathematics (among other things).  Your other friend hopes to be a music therapist and so, correspondingly, he is taking courses in both music and psych (among other things).  You have another friend who hopes to be a political journalist and so, correspondingly, she has a crazy schedule full of a variety of media, English and political science courses (among other things).

And then, there's you.  And you want a career in ShowBusiness.  And you have alllllllllll of these courses that you have to take on the Show, among lots and lots of other things.

However.

Not a one of those "other things" deals with that Business-part.  Which is, like, half the battle in this industry?  Arguably more than half the battle?  So.  ..Huh?  That make sense to you?  Because it makes exactly zero sense to me.

And so, you go out in the world with alllllllllll of these artsy skills that have all been, like, SUper honed, and you're a taaaaalented motherfucker and a cuuuuuute little package and you're really really ready to go and, like, take the world by storm with your acting chops but you have NO. IDEA. How to apply yourself when it comes to Business.  NONE. 

Guys?  Guys. I'm nodding at you right now in assertion that this, in fact, sucks and is a real big problem.

No shit, careers tank in this industry every.single.day because of this lack of knowledge.  Because there's this general sense from the rest of the industry that, when it comes to the Business-end of ShowBusiness, "Yeah yeah yeah, they'll figure it out."

But, sometimes?  We've "figured it out" after having made just one wrong move, and by then?  It's already too late.

And what's crazy is that there are honestly soooo many possible wrong moves, SO.MANY, I mean, a MYriad of them.  And that's because there are soooo many hurdles for us to jump and THAT'S because Business is, in fact, a complicated beast.  Albeit an absolutely integral part to this ShowBUSINESS (...I mean, guys...it's right there....) industry.

I don't think that I quite realized the gravity of this (..."that"..."all of this"... ...ugh, I quit) until I moved here, to LA, where EVeryone else is hyper-aware of the Biz-end of the Biz.

For real?  It's almost like every Los Angeleno grew up with CEOs as parents, parents who instead of taking them to swim lessons and on playdates every weekend were like "Hey, Kid, come into my office, let's talk marketing."

("But, Dad, I'm 8.")

("Doesn't matter.  Never too early to wrap your head around the importance of branding. ...Take your hands off of my paperweight, Son, that's not a toy.")

And so.  For those of you like me, those of you whose parents made their living, say, as a woodworker?  This can feel ever-so-slightly blindsiding.

Allow me, then, to tell you a few things (see: "an ass-load of things") that I have learned.  Specifically in the past series of months.

Specifically in regards to breaking up with representation.  Which is precisely what I just did for my very very first time.  (EEP.)

Let's crash course ourselves, yeah?  Yeahhhhh!!!

*IT'S BIZ-NESS TIIIIME!!!!*


 It is early January.

Here I am feeling confounded by my new city and my anonymity within it and getting more anxious by the second for things to start actually moving forward career-wise, La-La-Laaaa, I'm real damn antsy.  And feeling kinda desperate.

Preliminary Point:  98.8% of moves made out of desperation are not good ones.

So then!  Out of nowhere!  I'm contacted by this manager (!), and this manager wants to meet with me (!!).

ME (!!!).

(BadASS!)

So I go and, admittedly, don't think that they're the awesomest, but they want to sign me which IS awesome.  (Awesome!)  So, I go home to mull it over, do some research on the interwebs, find some not-so-awesome tidbits about them that aren't directly damning but might be bad?  Ask lots of questions of lots of my friends, receive mixed feedback.  ...And then trepidatiously sign with them anyway, because I thought, I mean.  Some representation is better than none, right?

Point #1:  WRONG.  INcorrect.  (We'll delve into that more later.)

Point #1B:  If you are about to make a move regarding representation (or, frankly, any number of things) in this business that you feel remotely trepidatious or uneasy about, mayyybe don't make that move?  ... ...Don't make that move.

Point #1C:  Know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, what you're signing up for.  (And THIS?  This, friends, will be a running theme.)

So.

Here I am, signed by a manager.  And I'm a month into my contract and I've only had one audition (It's fine! I'm new in town! I don't know anyone yet! Patience, perseverance, resilience and ALL that jazz!).

And that one audition was for a British cruise line.  (Fine.)

And it was a self-tape.  (OK fine.)

And I had to sing both a Dusty Springfield-medley (Fun!) and "Bring Him Home".  From Les Mis.  Which is a dude's song. (...Huh.)

But, whatever!  I'm signed!!  I have rep!!! And it's not all happening yet but, by GUM, it's GONna!!!!

And then, I go in for my first "seasonal evaluation" with my rep: ... ... ...

"We have submitted you over 150 times."

(Oh wow.) Oh WOW! Really?! Already?!

"Yes.  And clearly, that's only gotten you in the door once so, clearly, something's not working."

Sure.  Sure.  (Sure.)

"So.  I'm thinking pictures.  New.  Pictures."

**Sidebar...  It is at this point that I have now been living in LA for just over 6 months, and have already had two different headshot sessions.  Both of which cost a decent chunk of change, and both of which in NO WAY worked for me, because I took them without being 100% aware of what was needed of me/of those shots.  Ergo:

Point #2:  Regarding headshots?  Know what is demanded of them.  Each city/their corresponding attack on the industry necessitates a different thing from your headshot(s).   Talk to your rep(s), ask your friends, find out if you need to just look like your best possible self on your best possible day, or if you need something super specific with character in it, do whatever you have to do, but FIND. OUT.  WHAT'S. NEEDED.  And do it BEFORE you sink hundreds and hundreds of dollars into a set (sets) of pictures that will never ever see the light of day.  Because gross.

(In short: don't be like me.) 

(In fact, if you take NOTHING ELSE AWAY FROM THIS LIL POST:  just.  Just don't be like me.)

Let's continue.

So, she says, "So.  I'm thinking pictures.  New.  Pictures,"  as if she's spreading the idea across a marquee or something, like some grand game changer of a concept.

Cool! says I.  Great!  The second that my tax return gets here, (because "TAX RETURNS", guys, amIright?!), the second that it gets here, I'm planning on getting some done.

"Great!  Let me get you the information for our guy."

Point #3:  Now.  Friends.  You hear that phrase?  You ever hear that phrase from your reps, a little alarm should be sounding off in your head, thereby signaling one of two (if not both) things:  The first, that it's their way of saying "It's my way or the highway on this one."  The second, that because it's "their guy", they're getting a cut of the profit, and that?

Point #3B:  THAT'S SHADY, GUYS.

"Let me get you the information for our guy."

It is 100% within your right to say, Thanks!  But, you know, I was actually really hoping to go with this other photographer.  I really really like their stuff and I think that they would capture what we need picture-wise really well. 

I repeat:  It is absolutely 100% within your right to say this to your rep.


Just know that they might not hear you.

Just know that they might take a cue from my (former) manager and respond with something like "This photographer is really tried and true for us, and he shoots just down the hall, so we can come into the space and advise you as you shoot."

... ....Is that alarm in your brain still sounding?  Feelin a little weird?  Good.

So.  When you say, for the sake of placating them, that you'll entertain the idea?  And you go home, look at the pictures, and decide that they are among the absolute worst things that you've ever seen?

Point #4:  DO.  NOT.  DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES CHOOSE THAT PHOTOGRAPHER.   Yes, yes, yes, people will have differing opinions on this, but, at the end of the day, they're YOUR pictures, marketing YOUR product, which is YOU.

YOU HAVE. TO BE COMFORTABLE.  WITH YOUR PHOTOGRAPHER.

So.  Breathe a great big sigh of relief as you go with your gut on that one.  (Because I did.  I did real hard.)

Then!  Gingerly and diplomatically tell your rep who you want to shoot with (hope that they're ok with it)(and, if they're not... ...think you really wanna be with those guys, have them representing you?...), and then:

Point #5:  Figure out a game plan for your headshot session together.  They tell you that they want a "friendly business casual"-look?  "Hipster nerd"?  "Smarmy frat boy with an edge"?  Super!  Find out precisely what they mean by that, what kinda clothes, what kinda hair, etc.  Make sure that allllllllllll of the guess work has been taken out of your shoot.

And then?  Whilst establishing said game plan?  If/when they tell you something like:

"I'm thinking you need something dark, a darrrrk look."

And you say, Awesome!  I would love that!  Something more Indie!  I have NOTHing like that in my arsenal!

And then, they say, "Yeah.  Because you look like you could kick a little ass."


... ... ...

. . .

And then?  After you stare at them all dumbfounded and bewildered-like and start involuntarily caressing your scrawny scrawny arms because Whaaaaaaat?!, they say, "Yeah, so. I'm thinking, like.  'Mean Mama', or, uh.  Um, 'Queen Witch'.  Or something."


When they say something like that to you?

Point #5B:  Have the good sense to interpret WHAT THE SHIT THAT MEANS IN ANY KIND OF TERMS THAT WOULD MAKE ANY REMOTE KIND OF SENSE.

Friends.  This is one of the reasons why it's soooooooo important for you to be absolutely 100% aware of your brand/type/who the shit you are in this industry.  So that when people make whackadoo suggestions like that to you, you can go, OK.  Um.  I guess for me, that would actually look like (xyz)(this kinda look/character).  Oh hey:

Point #5C/Point A+:  Dear god.  Dear GOD.  KNOW. YOUR BRAND.  Know the nucleus of that brand, and what else you got knocking around in that wheelhouse of yours.  Know this so that you know how to market yourself.  And know it beyond the shadow of a doubt. 

Point #5D:  Know yourself beyond the shadow of a doubt.

And then? Breathe a great big sigh of relief as you go with your gut on that one.  And go forth into your headshot session.

(I am going to be quirkiest best friend slash girl-next-door/hipsteriest nerd/friendliest approachable business woman/craziest screwloosiest bitch that ever was, HOLY CRAP, LET'S TAKE SOME PICTURES, Y'ALL!)

And then?

When you get your very specific very awesome pictures back, feel great.  And when you get great feedback from your friends on your very specific very awesome pictures, feel greater.  And when your commercial agent and a sundry of casting directors compliment your very specific very awesome pictures, feel like a million dollars.

And when you have exactly zero auditions rolling in from your manager after your show them your very specific very awesome pictures, pictures that your manager seems bizarrely nonplussed by, don't feel surprised.

Point #6:  Bitterness is real, and alive and well in our Biz.  On a million different fronts.

Point #6B:  Remain above it.

But then, when you go in for your second "seasonal evaluation", and you're asked:

"So.  Did you ever get new pictures?"

Then?  Then you can totally feel surprised.

Ummm, yeah.  Yes.  I did.

"Oh.  You did?  When?"

I mean, a month, month a half ago.

"Did we ever get them?"

I showed them to you.  Because YOU (I!!) SHOWED THEM TO HER.

('MEMBER THAT TIME THAT YOU WERE BIZARRELY NONPLUSSED BY MY NEW HEADSHOTS?!)

And then, as said manager stares blankly at your Actors Access-page, and you point out the 7 new pictures that you've had uploaded for their usage for no more than 4 weeks?  When they respond with, "Oh yeah, these aren't really working for us"?  You might find yourself thinking:

Point #6 Reprise:  Bitterness is real, and alive and well in our Biz.  On a million different fronts.

But.

Point #6B:  Remain above it.

"So."  And then, your manager will, once again, bust out her invisible marquee.  "I'm thinking:  Showcase."

(Ooooh!)  OooohCool! OK.

"Yeah.  I think it'll be the best way for you to get out and meet people, you're new in town, and I think that is the best way for you to get out there."  (Yeah yeahhh!!)  "We do this by invitation only, because there's going to be a lot of very important people there."  (Ooooh!! "Very important people"!)  "But.  I think this'll be great for you, I'll see about getting you in."


And, know what?  You're allowed to feel real damn excited about this prospect.  You should.  You TOtally should.

However.  I encourage you to also ask:
So.  What is this showcase? 

Ask this question, so that you know precisely what you're getting yourself into (see Point #1C:  "Know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, what you're signing up for").  So that, when they respond with:  "You can do any number of things:  perform a 45-second monologue of original material, sing, dance or, um, bathing suit."

(Bathing suit?!?!?!)

When they respond with that?  You can then ask yourself:  Wait...?  Wait.  Is this a pageant?!  What is HAPPening?!

And when you, correspondingly, keep yourself ever-so-slightly in check and remain potentially too calm and simply ask them,  So.  Who's going to be thereYou mentioned 'very important people'.

And when they instead respond with, "So, it'll be $1200."  ... ... ... ... ... ...

Deep in the recesses of your exasperated brain, Beyonce will be dancing around all sexy-like and being the Queen that she is whilst ringing the alarm.  Ringing one very large, very resounding alarm because:

Point #3B Reprise:  THAT'S SHADY, GUYS.

If they are asking you for money?  In any way AT all (whether roundabout or directly)?  You do not give them that money.

And you get the hell out.

If they offer you a showcase and cannot even tell you what it realllllllly is and who the "important people" are who will be attending it?!   I mean, ask them again, one more time.  And.  If they still don't have an answer to your question?  You can go ahead and determine that that showcase is NOT. REAL.

And you get the hell out.

If after three weeks of nagging them with something along the lines of Guys.  Please tell me who's going to be at this showcase.

And if that is followed by an exchange of something along the lines of "Are you doing it?!  We'll give you an $1100 advance!"

No no.  (Because NO, guys!)  But, I'd like to know who's going to be there, because I want to create a target list for workshops.  I want to start cultivating some intelligent relationships in an intelligent way.

"Through workshops?"

Of course!  Because OF COURSE!!

Point 7:  TAKE.  ALL.  THE WORKSHOPS.  You want to be auditioning like a boss?  Booking like a boss?   Then you want a casting director to get to know you first.  But, if you wait for them to come to you?  They won't.  They just won't, guys.  So, you gotta take that workshop, kick some ass, and then correspond with them intelligently for months (MONTHS!) afterward...and then, sign up for a class to see them again 6 months later.  Rinse, wash, repeat.  It's on you to cultivate that relationship, Kid.  Do what you can to make that happen.  OR ELSE!!!! (... ...Right?  ...I don't know.)

Point 7B:  Stop listening to your friends who say workshops don't work.  They do.  (Hold that thought.)

(Incidentally:)

"...workshops?"

Of course!  Because OF COURSE!!

 If, to that, your manager then says to you, "Oh.  We don't believe in workshops."

You have my full permission to ask them Wait.  WHAT the fuck did you just say to me?!?!  Because:

Point 7C:  Your reps should be ENCOURAGING you to cultivate these relationships!  No rep in their right mind is going to be able to open alllllll of those doors for you (frankly, there's too many doors), so they should be looking to you to do some of that work for yourself. They should want you to do what it takes to get in these offices (shy of sleeping around...guys, Point 8:  Don't bang your way to a gig...)!  Don't they want you to book all the things?!?!  Don't they want to see you get rich and famous and ride down to OscarTown and EmmyVille on your coattails?!  Point being, if they're not encouraging you/begging you to make friends with casting directors, if they're not encouraging you/begging you to take an assload of workshops every opportunity that you get, something should feel huuuuugely amiss.

I wasn't quite so crass when I questioned this response from my (now former) manager and instead, I think, said something more along the lines of:

Wait.  ...What?  I don't get it.  

To which they responded with, "Workshops are generally a waste of time.  We find that these casting directors are just there for your money."

(Wowwwwwwwwwwwwwww.)


Point 7D:  If a rep blatantly discourages you from taking workshops/cultivating relationships of your own accord,  THEY'RE INSANE AND YOU SHOULD GET THE FUCK OUT.

Point 7E:  If that same rep quickly points a finger at someone and screams "Money hungry!" when they had just asked you for a highly questionable $1200 weeks before, THEY'RE INSANE AND YOU SHOULD GET THE FUCK OUT.

I, however, did not.

I did not.  Largely because I'm a trepidatious jerk when it comes to making moves in the Biz.  ...Evidently, I'm a trepidatious jerk about a lot of things.

Point 9:  By and large, it's smart to listen to your trepidation.  But, if you know in your gut that something is right, act on it.  Just rip off the damn band-aid.

And I didn't.  Right away.

I, instead, waited until I booked a recurring role on a primetime show for myself.

"Whaaaa?!  How?!"  you ask.  Oh.  You know.

Through a workshop that I took. 


Through a workshop that I had taken with a casting director that I had researched and targeted and, correspondingly, fell in love with (because she's amazing and smart and one of the nicest human beings in the world).  I picked smart material to ensure that I would kill it in the room, and then, when everything was all said and done, I began to cultivate a relationship with her (because she's amazing and smart and one of the nicest human beings in the world)(and because, after that workshop, I genuinely wanted to).

And it worked.


... ...Oh right:

Point 7B Reprise:  Stop listening to your friends who say workshops don't work.  They do.

Was my manager pissed that I had gotten such a large audition without her?  Absolutely.  Did she try to make me feel like an asshole and question its legitimacy when I told her about my audition appointment (the information of which had in no way gone through her)?  Absolutely.  Did she try to counter that with just straight up shaming me?

("I just don't understand why people don't like you!")

(... ... ...WHAT?!)

("Yeah!  Yeah.  I mean.  We've submitted you over, um, 570 times now, and I just don't understand how many times people can say 'No' to you, how many times people can look at pictures of your face and say 'No', I don't understand why no one else is seeing what we see in you!!!")

(... ... ...Well.  I have this audition tomorrow.  So. ....)

Did that happen?  Absolutely.

Point #6 Reprise:  Bitterness is real, and alive and well in our Biz.  On a million different fronts.

Point #6B Reprise:  Remain above it.

Point #6C:  If your rep shames you.  Ever.  EVer, but most especially after you've achieved something awesome, that is unacceptable and should not be tolerated and THEY'RE INSANE AND YOU SHOULD GET. THE FUCK. OUT.

Which is precisely what I did.  After I had gotten paid and had to, begrudgingly, write them their commission check.

Point #10:  No matter what.  No matter how you feel about someone, don't be a dick & don't burn bridges.  You want to stay in everyone's good graces & take exactly zero chances of anything being held over your head later.  If you had to use their name on a contact sheet once you got in the audition room, you write that goddamn check.  Even if that means that you're writing a commission check for a rep who didn't actually have anything to do with your booking an audition appointment/a job, you write. That god.damn.check.

Now.  I had never been in this position in my life.  Rarely do I ever opt of ANYthing (aw, hey, holler,  Captain YesGirrrrrrrrl!!!), but I had certainly never broken a contract with a rep before.  So, I wanted to be thorough.  I wanted to know exactly what the stipulations of my contract were so that I could know exactly how to break it.  Which brings me to:     

Point #1C Reprise:  Know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, what you're signing up for.

When I had originally signed this contract, I just had friends look at it.  Friends, as in fellow actors in the Biz whom I had presumed had seen things like this before and would, therefore, be able to decipher the fine print for me.  I have really smart friends.  They know a lot about a lot of things. However.

Point #11:  If you're signing something that's even sort-of written in a foreign language (ie:  a contract), have an expert look at it first.  An expert.   That means someone who deals with terminology like this on a daily basis.  In this particular case, that means, like, another manager.  Or a lawyer.  Or both.  It might sound like a lot to you, like overkill, or something, and you might be thinking "That's real dumb,"  but no shit, no, Ma'am, no.it.is.not.  You do this, you're gonna save yourself from a lot of unnecessary freak-outs ("Power of attorney?! I've never had to sign one of those ever!", "You're getting double-dipped!", "Can you even break this?!?! Are you stuck?! I think you're stuck!!").  An expert will explain every detail of this foreign language to you in plain English. And you will, therefore:

Point #1C Reprise:  Know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, what you're signing up for.

Rather, what you had signed up for.  And what you are now happily, trepidatiously, and THANKfully getting the hell out of.  

... ...

...My.  God.  My godddd that was a lot.

OK, so listen, my point.  My very long very roundabout point is that I'm out.

But.  Before I got out?  These were all of the things that I was in for.  And I got myself into it, allllll of it because I simply didn't know any better.

And no shit?  Too many of us don't.  And I clearly have a lot more that I need to wrap my head around.

So.  I guess my real actual point is that it will behoove you to make yourself as much of an expert about this Business-end of the Biz as you can.  Like.  While you can.  You do that?  You make yourself a master of the Biz when you're already, clearly (duh) a master of the Show-part, the Art?  Shit, Friend, you're gonna slayyyyyyyy.

You do that?  I mean.  You might be a Starving Artist right this second right now?  But, you might find yourself all of a sudden making these highly informed Business-choices that make you not all that Starving for not all that long.

You do that?  You won't find yourself stuck with a rep who isn't worthy of your Awesome.  Because here's the thing:


We all, at some point think that "Some representation is better than none".  We do.

If they cannot open the right doors for you (eff, if they cannot open ANY doors for you), if they make you feel worthless, if they make you feel remotely like you're in the throes of a scam as opposed to the throes of the industry, if they're not recognizing your talent, dust yourself off and pull yourself up by your Ugg-straps because they are not, I repeat, they are not worthy of you.

And I promise.  I promise I promise I promise that someone is.

(And if y'all have any leads on that for me, a girl with big hair and big eyes and a big ol' brand spankin new SAG-card--who just so happens to be masterful at twerking and with multiple dialects--aw man, I'd be the most grateful.  WOOOOOOO!!!!)

Onward.

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