So, I'm generally open to discussion on the whole astrology/alignments of the stars and planets kinda deal. I think it's fascinating--I don't take a whole ton of stock in it for the most part, but it is certainly fascinating.
Just the same, this whole "fullest moon ever"-business has managed to eff with an awful lot of things in my life and the loves of my life's lives this week.
And: I don't think I like it.
Buuuut, what it has also done is offer me a ton of perspective. Uniquely so. In several respects.
The bulk of which came from one day.
...So, it's 9:30 on Wednesday morning and there I am standing out in the middle of a torrential down pour, all dressed up with a place to go: Bethesda. Bethesda, Maryland.
Why? Because I freaking can.
I'd been hearing for years about this lovely theatre scene in the DC/Baltimore-area, and since I've gotten this Equity-card of mine, I've also inherited a fine set of balls and have been thereby prompted to push and try my hand at as many different audition-type-things as is humanly possible.
Irish Repertory Theatre? You need a chick with a fine grip on the dialect? Here I come.
Inwood Shakes? Yes, I love Emilia and yes, I'll be there.
That tour?
That summer rep?
Try me.
And so, when I saw that this Equity-theatre down in Bethesda was holding auditions for their upcoming season (a theatre of which had hugely caught my eye a year ago), I figured Why the hell not?!, finagled an time slot and booked myself a MegaBus-ticket on down there. For the day. ...
Why the hell not?! What could I possibly have to lose?
And so, I hopped on the bus. And drove 4 hours to DC. And hopped on the Red Line, and made my way out there--by 2:30pm. Glorious glorious day.
And THEN, I killed the audition.
Even more glorious day.
And THEN, I met up with one of my favorite people in the universe: one of my dearest friends from my hometown who happens to live in Baltimore, and thusly, we began what was initially meant to be a sadly shortish evening of catching up/drinking wine before I hopped back on the bus and headed for the Apple. Insanely. Glorious. Day.
...
We don't "catch up" quickly. We never do. (And we SHOULDN'T, dammit!)
Naturally, I miss the bus.
But NO matter, there's another bus in two hours.
And what happens next is amazing.
So, one of the many reasons that he has remained one of my favorite people in the universe is that he has this drive and infectiously passionate sensibility that he simply cannot help but share with whomever happens to be in his reach; it's like he wants you to get it, he wants you to be as "infected" in a sense as he is. It's admirable. Beyond admirable. And so, he grinned, and said, "Well, this is great. Now we've got time. I'm gonna take you to my school."
He teaches at a charter school in inner city Baltimore.
We pull up to this enormous security gate in the middle of this formerly desolate neighborhood that you can see is trying to pull itself up and out of the dark, and my eyes grew huge. This did not look like a school. Or at least any school I'd ever been in. I don't actually know what it looked like.
Goddamn, I'm naive, I thought.
But, in we walked, across this little walkway and up to this ginormous thick refrigerator-like door with this little red sign that boldly proclaimed that it was his classroom--"It's kind of a mess in there, sorry about that. It's testing-week."
This. Room.
Again, not not not not NOT to get all planety/New Agey or anything...but, do you ever just walk into a room and feel what it means?
I couldn't believe the amount of warmth in this room. And it was empty. But, there were these little signs and symbols all over the place of these kids who wanted to be there, who wanted it so badly, and who wanted do something good for themselves. These signs and symbols of these kids who were relying heavily on this guy--their teacher, my friend--to get them there. And ever more were these signs and symbols from their teacher, my friend letting them know that he wouldn't have it any other way, that he wasn't going anywhere.
That room was bursting with good and possibility, and pride.
I can't tell you how proud I was standing in it.
And we drove away, and the texts started. The texts from his students.
"Do you quote a thought? :)"
Prouder still.
And (after getting lost...thanks a mill, GPS), I'm on the bus ride back home, attempting to sleep but beaming with pride for my friend and his classroom.
And then, I felt like crap.
Can't they have more, though?
Why did I get more?
...And what the hell am I doing with myself? With my life...what am I bettering?
...
I'm back in New York, and within 24 hours, I tank an audition, find out that I'm getting weeded out of one of my jobs, find out that my aunt has been fired from her job (after 14 years...for no reason...), that my one of my best friends is potentially leaving her boyfriend (And moving in with us? Yes? No?), that I've officially been uncast at that one summer festival...and I don't get it.
What is this?!
Why show me a day of so many great beautiful things, only to knock me around in a world of disappointment the following day?
I didn't ask for this.
...
Shut. Up.
No one asks for a lot of things that they're dealt, a lot of shitty terrible things that they're dealt. But, if they've been dealt, it is your job to deal with them.
So, maybe I've been going about this wrong.
Maybe just busting your ass isn't enough. Truly.
Maybe I need to look for "better". How to be better, how to do better--how to better what I've got, what I've been dealt.
Maybe that's it.
I mean, why the hell not?! What could I possibly have to lose?
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