So, I went to another workshop with a casting director the other day. It was super great, super informative, and it may have been the first one in the history of the world to run long. Like by a lot. ... An hour over time.
These things don't happen.
Needless to say, this casting director was 175% invested in us, and I appreciated her for that.
I could go on and on about how totally candid she was, how much she emphasized the importance of making only super bold choices when auditioning ("Why would I ever want to see you do only what's on the page? I already know what's on the page, and now I'm bored with it. Show me how clever you are."), how much she harped on the lack of professionalism in actors and how that will always trump talent (I completely and totally buy that), the fact that I think that I kinda kicked ass (you know, fun fact, but not entirely important), lots of things, I could say lots of things.
Instead, I'm just gonna cite this one moment in the workshop for you:
There was this one gal in the class, & she was beautiful and exotic looking, she was dressed beautifully and exotically, and she had a beautiful and exotic sounding voice to boot. OH! And she had this beautiful and exotic name, too. Bitch had The Package. She was given this scene featuring two women, one was a spokeswoman for a dildo, the other the host of the infomercial featuring said dildo; each woman had two lines apiece, and she was expected to give each role a try.
"These characters only have two lines, so you only have two lines to make a lasting impression with me," said the casting director, "Be bold."
(Sidebar: I had the same scene, so I was taking notes. Lots.)
Dildo Spokeswoman was fine, kinda sexy, kinda weird, but fine. When it came time for her to give Infomercial Host a try:
"OK. So do it again, and this time, think Kathie Lee Gifford."
"Who?"
...
"Wait. You don't know who Kathie Lee Gifford is?"
"No."
(No way.)
"Wow. OK. I don't know, am I dating myself with that reference? Maybe."
"I don't...I don't know."
"OK. Do it again, and think Kelly Ripa."
"Who's that?"
...
...
"...You're kidding."
"No. Should I know who that is?"
(YES!)
And the casting director just stared at her in complete and total disbelief.
"Kelly Ripa. From television."
"Oh. ...I don't really watch television."
...
...
...
"You don't watch television?"
"No. I mean, not really."
...
Let's take a moment to discusss why this is so bad. Actually, let's do a little comparitive-thingy. This is much like if the following people said the following things:
Wannabe English Teachers: "I mean, I haven't read any Shakespeare or Kurt Vonnegut. Or To Kill a Mockingbird. I don't really read."
Wannabe Musicians: "Who's Milli Vanilli? Who's Jack White? What's an iPod?"
Wannabe Car Mechanics: "I melted one of my brother's matchbox cars once. So...I guess I've kinda taken a car apart."
...No. Just No, to all of it.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T WATCH TELEVISION?!"
"Well...."
"YOU WANT TO BE AN ACTOR AND YOU DON'T WATCH TELEVISION?!?!"
"I go to plays."
"NO, but...POP CULTURE!!! HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS OUT THERE?! HOW ELSE DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S RELEVANT?!"
"I do."
"You DON'T! You don't. These women are all over TV, and in every sort of magazine, for better or worse."
"...Oh."
And my heart kinda started to hurt for her. Almost. I mean, if we're being honest with ourselves, I don't watch nearly as much TV as I should. I don't have time to. And people say that it needs to be almost like a second job for Starving Artists, watching TV, going to movies, reading plays, all that jazz (...pretty decent second job, right?). We have to immerse ourselves in everything that's out there so we can find our fit. That's what's expected of us.
But, GOOD! CHRIST!
"Guys, you need to do your homework and know who's relevant, who's been relevant..."
"...Um..."
"...Who's out there at all...."
"...Um, excuse me?"
"Yes?"
"Can you tell me something about these women?"
And this casting director, this casting director who's been doing epic amounts of shit in New York City for twenty-plus years just sat there for a moment and stared at her.
"...No."
"But..."
"That's not my job."
"OK. Can I try it again?"
"No. You're done."
And you knew that didn't just mean "You're done with your scene". The girl had been written-off. There will be no phone calls, there will be no auditions, she didn't come in prepared and, just like that, a potential professional connection had been destroyed.
And we all watched it happen.
And it was sad. And kinda terrifying. And you think about it, and if someone gives you only two lines to make a lasting impression, that's a lot of pressure on anywhere between one to twenty words.
But, I guess the twenty scripted words aren't the most important thing. I guess it's the grand whole of your First Impression that lasts.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
A Starving Artist Needs Guidance On Her Apple
I am not thrilled about the fact that I am almost completely computer illiterate.
It's true. I am, I swear.
I went to grade school at a time when the only computer-related things that were taught were:
--This is how you get comfortable with an Apple/IBM-keyboard.
--This is how you can type 53 words a minute.
--This is how you add a Button. (...I think that had something to do with some kind of slideshowy PowerPoint-thing. ...Hey look! I know what PowerPoint is!!!!)
In college, I honestly never had to use anything beyond Microsoft Word. Ever. Oh, except that one PowerPoint-presentation I had to give for a nutrition class (THERE IT IS AGAIN!). I only JUST used Microsoft Excel for my first time Last. Year...and I was lost the first couple of times around with it.
I can download things with ease, I can upload things (sometimes...), I can use the most basic templates imaginable to make things look clean and tidy and easy to navigate (Thanks, Blogger!).
However.
If it's complicated, if it is even slightly complicated, if something has to be dragged into a folder that doesn't appear on a main page somewhere or if I have to reconfigure something or add a Flash Player somewhere, I am absolutely positively screwed.
I was ok with this for awhile. Honestly. And I know some people might think "Wait, what? No big deal, you're a Starving Artist, precisely how technologically advanced do you need to be? I fail to see the problem in this." I thought this very same thing.
However, there is a huge problem in this:
If you want to be taken seriously, your shit can't look elementary.
...And there it is.
I am smack in the middle of the Three Year Itch, meaning that I've been a Starving Artist in this city just long enough that I'm comfy, I know what I'm doing, but I need an all-around upgrade. Hence, one of the reasons I started taking classes at Upright Citizen's Brigade, why I'm throwing myself into more workshops/paid auditions, why I'm getting new headshots taken (and am in the process of setting up photographer interviews RIGHT! NOW!), all of the things. These little steps forward are great and fine and I have had no problem in taking them or finding a way to make them all happen.
It's this other stuff. This other stuff that's supremely necessary that I wish I knew how to do for myself, but absolutely positively don't.
Par Example:
**I have a website. I do, she exists, and that's a GOOD thing for sure. But she's a sad looking thing. She looks like a Junior in high school designed it (although, honestly, I probably shouldn't give myself that much credit, current high school Juniors know wayyyyyyyy more about this stuff than I do).
It is supremely basic and has splotches of pictures of Me (headshots, production photos, etc.) just copy/pasted throughout. I couldn't do some kind of flashy slideshow-business with them, that wasn't even an option with the template, this was the only option. Incidentally, my main page honestly feels more like a collage meant for Grama's living room wall than a "professional" website. I couldn't even upload my resume onto it, I had to type it all in...and it looks like hell. Really.
It ALL looks like hell, really.
But it's there just the same, and I suppose I should be grateful for that. But, three years in, I would really really like it to look about 275-times better than it does.
So my options are the following:
--Find someone to design it for me (and pay them hundreds of dollars to do it when I'm already spending thousands of dollars on other supremely mandatory albeit super exciting things this summer...and throwing up in my mouth over all of it).
--Take a huge effing risk and figure out how to do this flashy upgraded technologically advanced shit for myself. ...This terrifies me. I honestly want someone to sit down with me and hold my hand/remind me to take deep breaths throughout the whole process. But, I think...
...Mehhh, I don't know what I think. WHAT'S A BITCH TO DO?!?!
Par Example Seconde:
**I have a Facebook-page (obviously). And it's great and it's loaded up with great fun things and I'm on it all the goddamn time. However, I got to thinking that I should probably have a Facebook-page that is specifically devoted to professional stuff, a Business Page, if you will.
So, I started to create one.
Business Pages are set up that much differently than regular pages; you don't really have "Friends" as much as you have "People to Like Your Stuff" if not just "Subscribe" to it (the Subscription-part if self-explanatory enough). Your page shows a restricted amount of things, you can more closely restrict the number of people who are drawn towards your page, etc.
It's Facebook. It's the easiest most navigable thing in the world and everyone but EVERYone is on it.
...I can figure next to none of this shit out.
WHAT'S A BITCH TO DO?!?!
Par Example Finale:
**I have all of these clips of all these things that I've filmed, between commercials, industrials, a scene study, a web-series, and my little blip on Bored To Death. Once I get the footage my most recent shoot, I will finally have enough material for a reel, like a pretty damn good one.
(Sidebar: Actors should have reels for themselves as early as is humanly possible. However, when you spent eight years of your youngish adult-life only doing theatre, it takes awhile to build up some on camera-stuff.)
Currently, I have YouTube-links of these clips pasted all over my shitty website, but really, piecing them together in a professional and concise-looking way would be an excellent idea.
...So. How the fuck do I do that?
My options (Scarily similar to my "Website"-options):
--Find someone to piece it together for me (and pay them hundreds of dollars to do it when I'm already spending thousands of dollars on other supremely mandatory albeit super exciting things this summer...projectile vomit everywhere, repeatedly, hold bake sales & convince sweet boyfriend to start hooking to make up for the tremendous financial loss).
--Take a huge effing risk and figure out how to do all this flashy upgraded technologically advanced blahbitty blahbitty blah all by myself. Blah blah blah. ...It almost sounds sensible. It ALMOST does. But the problem is that aside from me being absolutely positively horrified by absolutely all of this, I don't really know when I'm going to find the time to teach myself this shit. ALL of this shit, ANY of it!
But. It's gotta get done. All of it. So...What's a bitch to do? Does she hire someone, or does she man up, find a way to clear her schedule and learn a few things (under the guidance of someone who is equally as willing to clear their schedule and teach a few things)? Or, am I hopeless? Like a complete and total lost cause? Surely not. Right?
(Sidebar: Now I know how my parents feel about...ok, well, most things contemporary and technological. Ew, I feel old.)
How's about this:
If you help me out, I will make you dinner. Lots. And write you some personalized poetry. Organize your sock drawer, paint your living room, walk your dog every day for a month.
And! I will make you your very own mix CD, from a playlist I've created OFF OF ITUNES!!!! YEAH!!! Aw see, I OWN this technological shit!!!
...
It's true. I am, I swear.
I went to grade school at a time when the only computer-related things that were taught were:
--This is how you get comfortable with an Apple/IBM-keyboard.
--This is how you can type 53 words a minute.
--This is how you add a Button. (...I think that had something to do with some kind of slideshowy PowerPoint-thing. ...Hey look! I know what PowerPoint is!!!!)
In college, I honestly never had to use anything beyond Microsoft Word. Ever. Oh, except that one PowerPoint-presentation I had to give for a nutrition class (THERE IT IS AGAIN!). I only JUST used Microsoft Excel for my first time Last. Year...and I was lost the first couple of times around with it.
I can download things with ease, I can upload things (sometimes...), I can use the most basic templates imaginable to make things look clean and tidy and easy to navigate (Thanks, Blogger!).
However.
If it's complicated, if it is even slightly complicated, if something has to be dragged into a folder that doesn't appear on a main page somewhere or if I have to reconfigure something or add a Flash Player somewhere, I am absolutely positively screwed.
I was ok with this for awhile. Honestly. And I know some people might think "Wait, what? No big deal, you're a Starving Artist, precisely how technologically advanced do you need to be? I fail to see the problem in this." I thought this very same thing.
However, there is a huge problem in this:
If you want to be taken seriously, your shit can't look elementary.
...And there it is.
I am smack in the middle of the Three Year Itch, meaning that I've been a Starving Artist in this city just long enough that I'm comfy, I know what I'm doing, but I need an all-around upgrade. Hence, one of the reasons I started taking classes at Upright Citizen's Brigade, why I'm throwing myself into more workshops/paid auditions, why I'm getting new headshots taken (and am in the process of setting up photographer interviews RIGHT! NOW!), all of the things. These little steps forward are great and fine and I have had no problem in taking them or finding a way to make them all happen.
It's this other stuff. This other stuff that's supremely necessary that I wish I knew how to do for myself, but absolutely positively don't.
Par Example:
**I have a website. I do, she exists, and that's a GOOD thing for sure. But she's a sad looking thing. She looks like a Junior in high school designed it (although, honestly, I probably shouldn't give myself that much credit, current high school Juniors know wayyyyyyyy more about this stuff than I do).
It is supremely basic and has splotches of pictures of Me (headshots, production photos, etc.) just copy/pasted throughout. I couldn't do some kind of flashy slideshow-business with them, that wasn't even an option with the template, this was the only option. Incidentally, my main page honestly feels more like a collage meant for Grama's living room wall than a "professional" website. I couldn't even upload my resume onto it, I had to type it all in...and it looks like hell. Really.
It ALL looks like hell, really.
But it's there just the same, and I suppose I should be grateful for that. But, three years in, I would really really like it to look about 275-times better than it does.
So my options are the following:
--Find someone to design it for me (and pay them hundreds of dollars to do it when I'm already spending thousands of dollars on other supremely mandatory albeit super exciting things this summer...and throwing up in my mouth over all of it).
--Take a huge effing risk and figure out how to do this flashy upgraded technologically advanced shit for myself. ...This terrifies me. I honestly want someone to sit down with me and hold my hand/remind me to take deep breaths throughout the whole process. But, I think...
...Mehhh, I don't know what I think. WHAT'S A BITCH TO DO?!?!
Par Example Seconde:
**I have a Facebook-page (obviously). And it's great and it's loaded up with great fun things and I'm on it all the goddamn time. However, I got to thinking that I should probably have a Facebook-page that is specifically devoted to professional stuff, a Business Page, if you will.
So, I started to create one.
Business Pages are set up that much differently than regular pages; you don't really have "Friends" as much as you have "People to Like Your Stuff" if not just "Subscribe" to it (the Subscription-part if self-explanatory enough). Your page shows a restricted amount of things, you can more closely restrict the number of people who are drawn towards your page, etc.
It's Facebook. It's the easiest most navigable thing in the world and everyone but EVERYone is on it.
...I can figure next to none of this shit out.
WHAT'S A BITCH TO DO?!?!
Par Example Finale:
**I have all of these clips of all these things that I've filmed, between commercials, industrials, a scene study, a web-series, and my little blip on Bored To Death. Once I get the footage my most recent shoot, I will finally have enough material for a reel, like a pretty damn good one.
(Sidebar: Actors should have reels for themselves as early as is humanly possible. However, when you spent eight years of your youngish adult-life only doing theatre, it takes awhile to build up some on camera-stuff.)
Currently, I have YouTube-links of these clips pasted all over my shitty website, but really, piecing them together in a professional and concise-looking way would be an excellent idea.
...So. How the fuck do I do that?
My options (Scarily similar to my "Website"-options):
--Find someone to piece it together for me (and pay them hundreds of dollars to do it when I'm already spending thousands of dollars on other supremely mandatory albeit super exciting things this summer...projectile vomit everywhere, repeatedly, hold bake sales & convince sweet boyfriend to start hooking to make up for the tremendous financial loss).
--Take a huge effing risk and figure out how to do all this flashy upgraded technologically advanced blahbitty blahbitty blah all by myself. Blah blah blah. ...It almost sounds sensible. It ALMOST does. But the problem is that aside from me being absolutely positively horrified by absolutely all of this, I don't really know when I'm going to find the time to teach myself this shit. ALL of this shit, ANY of it!
But. It's gotta get done. All of it. So...What's a bitch to do? Does she hire someone, or does she man up, find a way to clear her schedule and learn a few things (under the guidance of someone who is equally as willing to clear their schedule and teach a few things)? Or, am I hopeless? Like a complete and total lost cause? Surely not. Right?
(Sidebar: Now I know how my parents feel about...ok, well, most things contemporary and technological. Ew, I feel old.)
How's about this:
If you help me out, I will make you dinner. Lots. And write you some personalized poetry. Organize your sock drawer, paint your living room, walk your dog every day for a month.
And! I will make you your very own mix CD, from a playlist I've created OFF OF ITUNES!!!! YEAH!!! Aw see, I OWN this technological shit!!!
...
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